When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize