You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
