to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
