I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
