Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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