life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
