Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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