Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
