you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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