I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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