i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
