The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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