just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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