if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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