Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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