Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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