I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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