please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
