So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
