even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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