ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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