WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
