WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
