Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
