And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
