WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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