You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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