What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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