I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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