Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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