I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
