so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
