I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
