I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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