at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
