I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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