I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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