I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
