I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i think i just lost a toe
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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