I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
