Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
