I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
