Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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