If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
