so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
