Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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