dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
