I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
