Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
