the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
