Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
