Your mouth is God's brothel.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
