I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
