3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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