I wish I could teleport
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
