I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Houston, we have a blender
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
