I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
